Apparently one day someone asked the eminent urologist Dr. Antoni Puigvert (1905–1990): “Doctor, after death, what?” The doctor replied, “After death, burial.”
Both the question and answer here seem somewhat disingenuous: yes, after the fact of someone's death, one of the events that occurs is that they are buried. But the irony in this exchange is that the subtext goes beyond the facts: the doctor did not believe in any kind of afterlife.
Ultimately, the right way to ask about life after death is quite difficult. Whether we say “after” or talk about “the beyond”, we are using notions of time and space to refer to a level of reality that effectively transcends space and time.
How can we approach this other level of reality, a natural concern for so many nearing the end of their time on earth? One way would be to express our interest in life rather than death. To be in no hurry to “bury” a person who has died. In fact, “to grieve” (both religiously and psychologically) signifies this: to revive a relationship that has affected us deeply. This consists in resurrecting memories.
What memories are left to us? They could be writings, artworks, things that remind us of the person (hats, jewellery, items of clothing, etc.), organizations that he or she may have managed, shared values. But they could also be acts of cowardice, selfishness, or fear... Also, most likely, in any relationship there would have been light and shadow on our part. And it is quite possible that any person’s passing could have been painful for many.
So how best to resurrect memories?
One idea is to establish situations (places, environments, companions, solitude) where it is enjoyable to recover these memories… Passing by or especially visiting a place where I had been with someone, I remember what we did there. Looking at a photograph or reading an old letter, I remember another aspect of our relationship. Remembering how they reacted in different situations we found ourselves in, brings to life some other of their values – or strokes of genius! And little by little, I find growing in me a sense of gratitude and reconciliation. I will be healed, transformed and released to live more fully.
This is in reality what T.S. Elliot suggests in his poem “Little Gidding, I”:
(...) And what the dead had no speech for, when living,
They can tell you, being dead: the communication
Of the dead is tongued with fire beyond the language of the living.
Still, the question to Dr. Puigvert remains: not about our grief and transformation, but about the transformation and grief of the deceased. Here religious and wisdom traditions offer several clues in the form of stories and rituals. In any event, as Buddhist master Shantideva says: “The worship of a living Buddha and a Buddha extinct are identical and bear fruit” (Bodhisattvacharyāvatāra). That is: remember the person (pay him/her worship) regardless of whether you believe they are alive or dead.
And how long should the grieving process be? Wanting to end it, is that not the same as wanting to bury the person? Gratitude and reconciliation with that person give us life: better not to bury them then. Would it not be better if that person could gradually become a silent interlocutor in my present?
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The Life forces in me are about to merge in the immortal Prana (the cosmic energy); then this mortal body shall be reduced to ashes. Om! O mind! Remember; your (good) deeds, remember. (Isha Upanishad, 17)
(...) his good deeds will receive him who has done good when he goes from this world to the other, as relatives receive a dear one on his return. (Dhammapada, 220)
Don’t be foolish. A seed must die before it can sprout from the ground. (…) That’s how it will be when our bodies are raised to life. These bodies will die, but the bodies that are raised will live forever. These ugly and weak bodies will become beautiful and strong. As surely as there are physical (self-centred) bodies, there are spiritual (other-centred) bodies. And our physical bodies will be changed into spiritual bodies. (1 Cor 15:36; 42-44)
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· In what situations am I working on gratitude and reconciliation with people in my life who have died? How do these rituals transform and release me?
· In what situations am I working on gratitude and reconciliation with those who are living? How do these rituals transform and release me?
· What guides or mentors not personally known to me (religious teachers, writers, thinkers, artists) could make my life more fulfilling? How do I establish a life-giving relationship with them through their works, biographies, words?